I am my brother's keeper................

John, you keep bringing good things into my life.  I love you forever and will not allow your flame to die.  I'm so sorry it took me so long.

xoxoxo

Your sister

Inspiration comes in the most unlikeliest of ways...........

Well, have finally completed the short story and it's out there just waiting to be recognized.  I'm still amazed how my writing life has progressed since John burst into my life in January 2009.  He's given me real purpose and a faith in myself I never thought existed.  He is a true inspiration!  I think he's channeling himself through me - he wanted to be journalist and did very well in the journalism classes he took - all A's & B's.  Sadly, he never got to fullfil his dream but maybe he is............through me. It's my pleasure and an honor to have my brother as my inspiration and I hope to do him proud!   I hope someday I will reach the point where I can actually feel his arms around me and the warmth such an act as a simple hug can give.  I wish I could give John a hug now; that's a downside of the spirit world  - to never feel that actual physical warmth again.

Taking a break............

but not forgetting John for one second.  In the process of writing short story for writing competition - the subject matter: John, of course!  Wish me luck.

A Little Boy with a Bobby Pin in His Hair.........John @ age 4

Couldn't you just pinch his little cheeks?  xoxo to John

In his own words............

The Random Thoughts of a Man Under the Influence …………..Of Mental Illness

John had thoughts all day, every day, and would makes notes on whatever piece of paper he could find. His Bibles are filled with margin notes, agreeing & disagreeing with the words of the Good Book; most are just thoughts. The notations below are dated within the period of 1969 and March 1971 - his last - and are just a glimpse into the mind of a young man whose thoughts actually killed him - nothing overly reflective of his illness but ill all the while.  John’s words are written just as he wrote them.  I don’t think he’ll mind my sharing with you.

1/23/69        “To succeed in life, one must have no conscience”.

1/23/69         "My ideas are like the stock market. Up and down”.

1/23/69          “The real enemies of mankind:
                       1. poverty; 2. ignorance; 3. hunger; 4. disease”.

1/27/69          “An individual smoking 1 ½ packs a day may,
                       but more likely will, develop cancer (lung & throat).

1/3/70            “I will sue the V.A. for $12,514,248.98 starting
                       3 Jan 70”.

6/30/70         “Presented to myself in the hopes of discovering
                       what happened 25 Jan 1969 in Smyrna, Turkey”

 Note: John was stationed in Turkey in 1969, where he became ill and ultimately diagnosed with schizophrenia; he was honorably discharged shortly thereafter (5/21/69). This notation was made in the "New English Bible”, Second Edition (1970)

9/5/70             "All knowledge begins with Fear of the Lord".
 
3/27/71           “You have all the answers, John. Become stoic.
                         Never show emotion”.

The End.

Quote for the day.................

Honor Life by Living.

A Troubled Mind..........

What is schizophrenia and how and when does it attack.  I've read quite a few articles on the illness so ask me if I understand a single medical word written - no!  I have read enough, however, to explain in layman's words, the words of a sister trying to understand what really killed her brother, what it is.  True, John took his own life, and in the worst way possible, but no one can convince me that it was his choice or that his sensitive nature would allow him to choose to leave this world with so many broken hearts left behind and so many questions to answers that will never come. I strongly believe it was the demons of his illness that took over and told him to "jump".  And, unless you have walked in the same shoes as he, those demons are very powerful - you do what they tell you and don't stop to ask questions.  Schizophrenia, basically, is the crossing of wires in the brain where you do not and cannot think like others.  You wonder why, you ask questions, and don't understand what's happening to you, but you know something's not right. You hear voices coming from various outlets - the radio, the t.v., hear other voices in a group of three; your brain is sort of like a shortwave radio where you can hear all kinds of voices and sounds.  And, you're the only who can hear these voices and noises.  These voices and noises are loud, and then they become louder, and louder and more loud, until the person can no longer stand it and  must act.  Could you imagine that happening to you, in your normal state of mind - hell, most people cannot even stand the constant drip of a faucet let alone voices and noises from another world.  And on top of that, the voices and noises do not make sense, not like a normal conversation between two people. I cannot even imagine. While the illness can attack in the ages of 30's & 40's, late teens and early 20's is when schizophrenia most often strikes.  In John's case, it hit when he was barely in his 20's.  There are some theories that a traumatic event can trigger the illness - for John, I believe this was the case.  How do you think you'd react if, after nearly 6 years you were told your father was dead & that he killed himself. And imagine you thought your parents were merely divorced all those years - which is devastating in and of itself to a child - and that your father was living someplace in Cleveland, Ohio.  And imagine this information coming to you from someone other than your mother, or any family member for that matter -  a stranger. And imagine you're far from home when you get this information and that you're in a place where you cannot come and go freely, to just get on a plane or bus and go home to talk things over with................ someone, anyone.  And, imagine you've just joined the Air Force and then you're given this devastating news.  And this................. was the "traumatic event" that changed my brother's life..................forever.  I have to go now 'cause I'm upset.